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Uh, Artie?: Living in the City

A former student writes:

Uh, Artie?

Long time no chat. I have a quick question for you since you got your MBA at Columbia. 

Did you like living in NYC? 

My current employer might transfer me there, if some internal interviews I am going through go in my favor. 

Any thoughts you have on anything about living there would be appreciated. 

Hope you're well.

— "Former Student"

Dear "FS,"

I am well indeed and glad to hear from you. Thanks for reaching out.

That's an easy question and one that warms my heart.

I loved, loved, loved living in NYC.
Being in a pedestrian-friendly, mass transit-rich city is great. Not having a car is a wonderful thing.

The food is cheap once you learn where to go (Chinese, Indian, pizza, vegetarian and so much more). Most importantly, the arts and culture can forever ignite your imagination and intellectual curiosity.

I spent eight years there -- back when the town was truly dangerous, at the peak of the murder rate.

And I wouldn't trade those years for anything.

Why wouldn't someone go?
At my fifth or tenth high school reunion, an old classmate said, "What's it like in New York City?"

I asked whether he'd ever visited. He said no. 

I'm still stunned. Why wouldn't everyone visit the City? It's so close to Columbus. And it's not as expensive as feared. 

Good luck on those interviews.
If they do not land you in NYC, go anyway — at least for a long weekend.

Here's a list of favorite things to do when in the City.

How to Get Into Yale

Dear Uh, Artie?,

Hello. My daughter is interested in attending Yale. We were wondering how soon is too soon to begin preparing for the process. She is a freshman in high school. Is there someone who could give her pointers on what classes could best prepare her, extracurriculars, what Yale is looking for, share memories of his/her Yale years, etc.? We would appreciate it greatly.

Thank you.

— "Parent Who Cares"

Dear Parent:

I'm glad for your and your daughter's interest in Yale. I'm glad when anyone cares about education at all.

My response is strictly my own perspective as a teacher and parent. It is not based on some official Yale policy or recommendation.

Beat's Me
I have no idea what advice to give you, this early in your daughter's high school life. Perhaps her high school college counselor might have useful advice.

I believe that the best thing to do is encourage your daughter to live fully now — for the sake of a rich life today, rather than in pursuit of acceptance to a college. If she nourishes her interests, develops her strengths, finds passion in some of her academic and extracurricular life, then she will be doing everything she can.

At my 25th Yale reunion, I learned of classmates who had moved halfway around the world to increase their chances of acceptance to Yale (as international candidates). Hard to believe. I don't know if it worked. I don't recommend it.

My own perspective on what Yale is looking for...
Again this is just one guy's intuition. I don't have any inside information. Just perspective based on applying in 1978 and watching casually ever since. I've also interviewed Yale applicants during the years and seen Admissions make choices that I could not predict.

The Admission Committee isn't making individual acceptance decisions, so much as they are convening a class. The pool is so rich — they could easily double or triple the class without diminishing quality — that they are more focused on assembling a tremendous community. The right mix of people. Just combine in New Haven and stir.

This means it's hard for any of us to predict what qualities Yale seeks when then come through Ohio or Osaka. That can be frustrating, because we're all working one-on-one with our wonderful children. Yale understands that. But Yale needs to make sure they have one of each of the best, so there is enormous diversity and, well, collegiality. So, all too often, a tremendous individual is passed over.

But all this is far too early.
There is life to be lived in the meantime. And not lived for Yale.

Come what may, the best is yet to be.

Wishing you every delight,

-- Artie

Sunrise, Sunset

When you buy a new calendar in the stationery store, do you ever pause to think of the people who made the calendar?

It's a product, sure, but — behind every product — are a bunch of people thinking it through.

Years ago, when Alisa went back to graduate school, a smart friend offered his own experience (from when his wife went back to school): "We bought a giant calendar. It really helped us to have a giant calendar on the wall where everyone could see it."

He was right. In a full, lucky life, most arguments are about timing. A giant wall calendar in the kitchen pre-solved a lot of arguments.

But That's Not What This Is About
Now, years pass and — due to a chance meeting at a conference — I've met the people who made my calendar!

And, today, one of these calendar-makers writes to ask an Uh, Artie? question.

It's the kind of question that comes up if you're really thinking about calendars.

Uh, Artie?

May I ask you a question related to the celebration of Jewish holidays? I figured that I may since, well, the whole holiday play and all.  :-)

Is it customary in the Jewish faith to begin the holiday at sundown on the day before? Is this because there is a preference to have finished traveling (by the time the sun goes down) for the day before the holiday?

Feel free to point me in the direction of a reference or website. I just thought I would ask you as I had heard this before.

Thanks!

Patty

Dear Patty:

For Jews, not only the holidays start at sunset. Every new day begins at sunset.

I like your explanation: so we might finish our traveling during the day. I do prefer to drive during daylight. Sunlight is nature's best highway safety program.

However, I've heard that the Jewish timing is for the opposite reason: because the brutal desert sun required the Jews to travel at night. So we would wake up and start each day's work at sunset. That's poetic and reminds us of our wandering in the desert.

My Own Idea
I like to think that maybe it's because creation starts in darkness — and then there was light. Creation does start in darkness. That's when children are conceived, in my humbling experience.

Personally, I like that each new day starts with the best parts of any day: dinner, a glass of wine, contemplation about the previous day, and bed — maybe even a little creation. Work can wait until later in the "day"!

But Here's The Practical Reason
This is just my guess, but here we go:

Sunset is easily measured. You know it when you see it. If you have a good vantage point, it is a precise moment.

For most of our history, there were no clocks. "Midnight" was an abstraction.

So really, the easiest times for any Pre-clock People to end and start days would be sunset or sunrise.

The Jews chose sunset. (Because of the desert heat.)

I'll bet there's a better answer.
Where I usually look for better answers is R. Joseph Telushkin's Jewish Literacy: The Most Important Things to Know About the Jewish Religion, Its People and Its History. His short essays on more than 500 topics make great reading.

Oh, and your question asks about the "Jewish faith." I see Judaism as "Jewish tradition" rather than "Jewish faith." In Judaism, faith is elusive. Tradition won't quit.

-- Uh, Artie?

On Secrets at Work

From the Uh, Artie? inbox:

Uh, Artie?

The company I work for is going through layoffs. It's miserable. Families, livelihoods, and momentum all affected in very unpleasant ways. Making matters worse, management here is really botching it. There's been no strategy around who's getting cut, no succession planning, and zero communication. It'd be laughable, if it weren't so sad...They're relying on the water cooler to handle circulation of the news. A guy was given his walking papers as he was getting into his car to go home last night. And another was fired, then re-hired after a key customer threatened to walk.

Morale, needless to say, is in the crapper. This includes me.

One sliver lining is that, at least verbally, management here is saying that they won't be enforcing the non-compete agreements that we all signed when coming on board.

The boss has shared plans with me (and others, I've learned) about the fate of more colleagues who will be pink-slipped soon, so I know at least some who are not going to have a job next month.

One of these people, a fellow I am friendly with and whom I respect for his professionalism and quality of work, contacted me yesterday and asked, rather bluntly, if he was getting cut.

Here is where my ethical question begins.
What I told him is this:

These are tough times and we should all be concerned for the security of our jobs right now — especially those of us with no work in the pipeline. As far as what I know regarding specific plans, it turns out that some of the information management has shared with me has turned out to be false, and therefore all information I'm privy to has become suspect. Still, it would behoove those of us who are still here to extract as much value out of our current projects as possible while lining up more billable work to begin ASAP.

He's a smart guy and I think (maybe) he read between the lines. But I felt like I was...what's the term for lying by not being entirely forthcoming? I felt like that: a little sleazy.

What I wanted to tell him is this:

Pal, I am sorry to be the one to give you this news, but you asked me a question and I'm going to give you an honest answer. And if you can be better prepared for what's ahead by knowing this, I want to play a role in helping you. The plan is for you to get the axe as soon as you roll off this project. Start your networking now if you haven't already and get your resume in order. When they give you the news, confirm that this is a cost-cutting maneuver and that it's not performance-related.

Ask for a letter of recommendation. They'll agree. Write it yourself. Make sure it has three things in there: 1) a glowing paragraph about your performance; 2) The reason for your being let go (hard times); and 3) a line releasing you from your previous non-competition agreements. Present it to them quickly and on company letterhead. Get them to sign a few copies. Then include every client you've done work for in your job search and sell yourself — either as a hired gun or as an FTE.

Finally, let me know how I can help.

I still want to tell him this.
I can't ignore the competing factors of conscience, bitterness, and advocacy that are making this a difficult choice. But I'm torn between ethical, moral, and professional obligations. And I'm likely to be approached by others with the same question this guy asked me.

Uh, Artie? How can I balance these obligations and still sleep at night?

Many thanks in advance for your perspective. Best regards,

— "Steve"

P.S.: Not sure how broad of an audience this material might apply to, but you should feel welcome to use whatever of this you like for Net Cotton Content.

Dear "Steve."

One of the things I have least liked about being in the employer-employee relationship is when one makes a liar out of the other. It might not explicitly be lying, as you point out, but when someone tells me a secret and I have to walk around with it for more than two minutes, I feel like a liar.

Especially in this economy, I don't like burdening anyone with secrets.

But you asked what you should do.
Beats me. Still, here's a stab at the challenge.

I like that you want to help this fellow, this pal. And I think the message you can deliver is a combination of the first message's propriety and the second message's set of instructions.

So you might go ahead and say everything you still want to say in the second message, but I'd recommend one substitution. Rather than "The plan is for you to get the axe as soon as you roll off this project," I'd recommend "All of us have to be prepared to get the axe as soon as we roll off each project." Then change the next "when" to "if" and add a few more "if"'s and you are in good shape.

This substitution isn't driven by some ethical obligation not to spill the beans so much as it's driven by a uncertainty of the beans themselves. Your company has every plan to fire certain people, then unfires them. The bean counters seem to have the beans in their ears. Based on your description of what your company calls management, there is a possibility that you will get the axe and Pal will soon sit at your desk.

Three maxims:

In a blind man's shooting range, it pays for everyone to keep their heads down and know where the doors are.

And we really start telling the unvarnished truth when we call each other "Pal."

Anyone who struggles with ethics is probably a fairly ethical person. (The most unethical folks give no thought to the subject.)

Good luck. Remember, Pal, you'll always have an (unpaid) job here at Net Cotton Content.

-- Artie

P.S.: Any readers have anything to add for "Steve"?

When In New York

From the Uh, Artie? inbox (the tray marked "travel and tourism"):

Uh, Artie?

Left field question: I'm bringing [Z.] over to NYC next month for the first time for a bit of dad/daughter wallet emptying. Any thoughts on activities for a 12-year-old outside the usual suspects?

Gordon
Aberdeen

Dear Gordon:

As the photo (ripped from your Facebook page) attests, you know your way around New York as well as anyone. You've already appeared on the Brooklyn Bridge in a kilt. (As the Scottish say, Kol ha-Kavod, which means you blend.)

Here are my favorite stops when in New York. I imagine that you already have most or all of these on your list.

Downtown:

• Walking across the Brooklyn Bridge. As you know, but others mightn't, this is beautiful day or night, in either direction. An elevated wooden boardwalk carries pedestrians and bikers above the traffic for one of the City's best skyline views. And the bridge itself is an architectural and engineering marvel. Don't buy it. Just walk it. Go to City Hall and you will easily find the boardwalk. You can walk halfway and turn back. (Sometimes I start in Brooklyn and just walk to Manhattan. IN EITHER CASE, you want to make sure you walking into Manhattan, so the City's skyline is ahead of you.)
• Café Gitane. Mott at Prince Streets, Nolita. My favorite coffee shop, for coffee and pastry in the morning. They also serve food all day (French-Moroccan food), beer and wine. Great anytime of day. Eclectic menu, hippest coffee shop in town. Word of advice: relax. (I celebrated my midlife crisis at Gitane.)
• Paul Frank, 195 Mulberry St., Nolita (very near Café Gitane). His t-shirt designs will delight Z. and help empty your wallet. (Look for the clearance rack.)
• Walking across the Brooklyn Bridge. You've done it many times. Ever tried it at sunset?
• Village Chess Shop, 230 Thompson St. (between 3rd & Bleecker Streets). Even if you don't play chess, this is worth a quick look in. One of many chess shops in New York. Where the grandmaster is not a DJ-rapper.
• Grand Central. I love to spend 15 minutes in the Grand Concourse. It's fabulous. I think about this:
• Times Square, believe it or not, is a great place to spend the evening (if it's not too cold). Mayor Bloomberg has set up cafe chairs and tables on the closed parts of the roadway, making it a primo people watching experience.
• And you should get a hat at the JJ Hat Center.  A nice walk during the day is up or down Broadway, including this hat store for men.
• Walking around West Village. I just love walking Bleecker Street. I once lived at 64 Bank Street. It's on a simply beautiful block, among many. I don't know what's around there these days to eat or steal. I love going to the movies in the Village at IFC or the not-for-profit Film Forum. 
• Most any restaurant in Chinatown. A couple years ago, I took the subway to Brooklyn very early in the day, walked across the bridge, and had dumplings for breakfast in a small restaurant. I was the only Anglo. It was a very nice experience. Friends rave about specific restaurants. I think any spot that looks good through the greasy window and is filled with Chinese people is going to be just fine.

Brooklyn:

• Mile End Delicatessen, 97 Hoyt Street, Brooklyn. I go there for breakfast when it is sweet and calm. Lunch, I am told is slammed once they tweet ( http://twitter.com/mileendbrooklyn ) that the meat is coming out of the oven. It sells out every day.
• Junior's Restaurant, 386 Flatbush Avenue, Brooklyn. This is my favorite destination when walking across the Brooklyn Bridge. You could start here for breakfast, end here for their World Famous cheesecake (if you miss their cheesecake, you will be sad ‚ they define "New York Cheesecake"), or make it a turn-around spot if you walk both ways on the Bridge.
• Everything I used to love about the feel of Manhattan, I now love about Brooklyn. See what's going on there and you will love it.

Midtown:

• Empire State Building Observatory at night. If you are lucky enough to have a clear night after a windy day, the City will be at its most beautiful. The observatory is open until 2 a.m. every day (last elevator is at 1:15 a.m.)
• New MoMA. Fabulous renovation and expansion. Be sure to rest in the sculpture garden.
• Pizza at John's. If you want to eat in Times Square, this is the place. Good for before theatre.
• Wicked. There's plenty to see on Broadway. We've seen Wicked and thought it was wonderful. If Z. likes The Wizard of Oz, she'll love Wicked. So will you.

So Downtown, it's on the water:

• Staten Island Ferry round trip. If you do not visit Ellis Island, you might want this inexpensive ferry ride. I think it's a quicker, cheaper, more satisfying alternative to visiting Liberty Island. (After all, the Statue of Liberty is not all that interesting to climb. It's interesting to ponder from a distance.) I've never stepped on Staten Island, so I can't guide you there.
• Ellis Island, if you want to find where all your most desperate neighbors went (1892-1954). They've cleaned the place up. Very nice. Note: with the boat ride and all, it will take several hours.

Uptown:

• Guggenheim Museum, Fifth Avenue at 89th St. Recently restored. Take the elevator to the top and walk down the ramp.
• There are lots of places to skip. Because you are bringing Z., others might recommend Serendipity, the famous upper east side ice cream parlor. A tradition for generations of families. Not I. If there's no nostalgia, it's not with the wait and cost.

Have a great time!

-- Artie

How To Start Blogging

From the inbox of "Uh, Artie?"

Uh, Artie?

I'm wondering if you could help me. I know you are a professional so I don't ask lightly.

I always enjoy reading your blog. I find your writings to be interesting, meaningful, and relevant.

I've recently been elected as PTO President for the NA High School. I'm trying to change the culture, one baby step at a time. I'd like to find ways to connect parents to each other and our common goal of parenting great kids (well, at least I think that's our goal!).

I started a blog — one post, many months ago :-) — and really want to make something of it. I'm having a hard time figuring out how to write in a way that will get people to think about what I write. I'm humble enough to know that I don't have great thoughts, but I do believe that the journey that parents take can be lonely. We need each other and each other's wisdom, if only to say "Well, I'm not going to do that!" :-)

If you have some time or can do it in pixels, I'd love some advice from you about how to write each day (or several times a week) about a topic, how to make it meaningful and most importantly for me - how to include questions or "deep thoughts" to get my audience to stop and reflect.

I value your intellect and wisdom and your writing skill. I hope you will agree to offer me some advice.

Thanks in advance,

Beth

P.S. Feel free to use my comments. You can use my name, too!

How To Start Blogging

Dear Beth,

Congratulations. Way to go. You are a good person doing so much good. Your whole family is deep in community service. How wonderful.

Thanks for your kind words.

As for writing for a blogsite, here is how I do it:

1. Stop thinking. Start writing. Now. Write one before breakfast every day.
2. Don't write to make others think. I just write to make myself think. Some readers will come along. Many will ignore me. There's no accounting for taste. If a blogger has 3-10 loyal readers, that's victory.
3. Secretly publish the first three posts. I did this and then announced I was blogging, so, as friends realized I was writing, they didn't come to a site to see only one post. 
4. Grab a photo from Google Images that fuels curiosity.
5. Keep each post short (200-250 words).
6. Write each as if writing a casual, tongue-in-cheek letter to one specific person in the target audience. (I change that person from post to post.) Sometimes I send the person a link to the post, in an email that says, "I secretly wrote this with you in mind. I hope you like it."
7. Break paragraphs (contrary to what your grammar teacher taught) in the middle so they are rarely more than three sentences long.
8. Put subheads in bold between every two or three paragraphs.
9. Make your design readable. If you use white type without serifs on a dark or, worse, a photographic background, then your design is not focused on the text. That makes it hard for any reader more than 40 years old. I won't read it.

How long does it take?
That's the most frequent question I'm asked. (Almost no one asks, "Why do you do it?")

It takes about 30-45 minutes per day. To many, that seems like too much time to spend writing. I think it's time well spent.

Peace and love from all of us (me) here at Uh, Artie?

-- Artie

How To Get Smart

Another letter, now from a student in my CCAD class...

Uh, Artie?

My name is [Student ID 00006XXXX].

During tonight's Marketing class, I thought of some questions not about the course.

Just curious: what do you do and how you do it? How do you know so much? Do a lot of research? How much time will you suggest a student to spend on reading/researching?

I was born in America but moved to [a distant land] and then moved back for College. And so I spend most of my time studying for exams, but not really being knowledgeable. Any suggestions?

I hope my questions don't sound impolite, and won't cause any inconveniences.

Thank you, you make an evening class exciting.

Sincerely,
[Student ID 00006XXXX]

Dear [Student ID 00006XXXX],

Your questions are not impolite. They are music to my ears. There are many motivations for teaching, but there is something especially delightful about appearing smart — only because I've seen more road than most students.

Stuart Handelman Answers Your Question
I once worked with an art director named Stuart Handelman. Stuart was a hard-working, tasteful fellow. (An endearing trait: he'd always stay at his desk at lunch, eating Saltines with peanut butter on them.)

Stuart was especially fond of an advertisement that he'd seen for The New York Times. Designed to drive a target audience (people who are looking for jobs) to a behavior (using the job listings in the Times), it said, "Get your job in The New York Times."

Stuart would say, "Every job I have ever had, I got in The New York Times, but not through the classified. I got my jobs by being informed about the world, which I do by reading The New York Times every day."

I was already reading the Times, because it helped me to understand my adopted home of New York City. But Stuart's words made me understand the larger, longer-lasting value of reading the Times: it would help me be informed about the world.

How To Read A Newspaper
Some folks say, "I don't have time to read a newspaper."

To them, I say, "Piffle. Do you have time to watch television? Yes? Well, do yourself a favor and turn it off and read the newspaper."

I don't read fast enough to read the entire Times word for word. So, here's how I read it in 20 pleasant minutes:

• I read the headlines, photo captions and first paragraphs of all items on the front page, the editorial page, and the op-ed (the page opposite the editorial page). I read more of each article only if I'm interested.
• I read the headlines and photo captions throughout the paper.
• I quickly scan all the letters to the editor and the obituaries. Living and dead people — who are in the newspaper by the mistake of writing a letter or dying — are often very interesting.  
• I read one or two articles inside the paper that are interesting to me.
• I don't punish myself for leaving the rest of the paper unread. I got my $1.25 worth. I'm happy. I move on.

By reading the paper this way, I learn about the topics that are near and dear to me. Of course, I study the topics in which I have a keen interest: obituaries, public opinion, the economy, certain arts, Israel, the daily life of the president. (I really love stories that provide the detail of how our president — the current one at any time — goes about each day. The Mundane Of The Mighty is so fascinating.)

And I also learn — and here's the real answer to your question — all about topics that are surprisingly interesting to me. Odd stories of odd ambitions, odd achievements, odd discoveries.

In the end, I have a fun and — to you, at least, my dear — entertaining reservoir of tales and metaphors.

But Newspapers Are Expensive
And they aren't environmentally healthy.

So I go to my hometown library — or any library that I am passing during the day — to read the Times. I don't get there every day. But I try to pass by — and drop in.

Reading at the library has an unexpected benefit. I bump into people I like. (I generally like people who visit libraries.) Like my tenth grade English teacher. He's a great guy and I see him — and chat with him — far more frequently now because we often visit the library at the same time. That's nice!

Catch Them While You Can
Your opportunity to read the newspaper is quickly ending.

I don't think there will be more than three newspapers in the United States in three years.

More's the pity. As Times columnist Nicholas Kristof opines in a piece called "The Daily Me" this week, we'll quickly turn into a nation of people who read only what we want, rather than people who happen upon the unexpected. We'll become narrower rather than more open-minded.

In The End
You ask how much time should one spend "reading" or "researching." Frankly, if you have to ask, then those activities must not sound like much fun. To you, R+R might seem only like the means to an end. They sound like work — which is something to avoid when one isn't actually at work. (Lest one becomes nothing more than a working stiff.)

If you are simply interested in the subject, however, reading and researching become the fulfillment of your natural curiosity.

So I recommend a daily dose of the Times, as a daily shopping trip through potential topics in which you have a natural curiosity. Then, as you find topics you love, reading and researching them won't merely be an investment in future knowledge. It will be a joy.

Mnemonic Device

Back into the "Uh, Artie?" mailbag.

Uh, Artie?

I am wondering if you have any advice for how to memorize a script.

I have about eight typed pages, double spaced, of material to memorize so that I can narrate an elephant training demo at the local zoo. I know the content pretty well and could probably narrate the demo right now if I could speak freely and just say what I know.

But the zoo is a highly professional place and requires that I learn the script word for word. Then I have to audition in front of my program supervisor as I narrate to a video.

I find this nerve wracking. I can speak well in front of an audience, and can memorize things, but struggle to do both at the same time. But, I definitely want to give this a shot.

So - any advice?

— Marie Goes To The Zoo

Dear Marie,

Advice? Sure. Stay away from the north side of a southbound pachyderm.

Oh, you mean about memorizing?

Personally, I fear the need to memorize a script. And I'm just starting to memorize the sides for Felix in The Odd Couple. Egad.

Last year, when I was memorizing for Our Town, my friend John Huston taught me a great trick. It works especially well for memorizing speeches, monologues, soliloquies, and probably elephant patter. (I'm not so sure about dialogue.) John had learned this trick from a teacher of his, but I can't remember — Oh, Irony, How Cruel of You! — the teacher's name.

Here's the trick:

Separate the long text into segments.

Assign each segment a different room in your home. If your home is small, assign each segment a different wall. (You have four walls, I do hope.)

Memorize each segment in its assigned room (or facing its wall). Visually connect each segment of words to what you are looking at. Pick out a focal point. Let that be the image for that segment. Hopefully, a relevant connection can be made. Like: "That's the window of my living room. That's where my elephant might poke her head out the window for a snack on the bushes." — for the segment about feeding time at the zoo.

Always practice moving from room to room in the order of the segments, never varying your path. The path is the sequence and part of your memorization.

When you are reciting for an audition or eventual audience, you can remember your path through your home.

"Memory is visual," said John, if I'm remembering correctly. "So it's helpful to connect the memorized words to a consistent image."

Hope that helps,

— Artie

Work That Mouth

I'm overdue for some responses to the letters addressed to "Uh, Artie?"

Why, here's one now:

Uh, Artie?
 
I think of you as the King Of No Gossip. 

I was copied on the email below, from an administrative manager to our HR manager:

[Louise],
 
I have a gossip issue (or just an issue) I need to discuss with you next time you are in the office.
 
Thanks,

[Louie]

My first response was to reply to the email by saying that I’m not interested in gossip, so please cut me out. However, it occurs to me that it might be in reference to a serious business or personnel issue.
 
Ever come across this? How’d you handle it?
 
Thanks!

— "Sit In Or Sit Out?" 

Dear "Sit,"

In my own experience as the owner of Young Isaac, I was always the last one to know anything interesting about a co-worker. Why? I wouldn't sit for any interoffice gossip.

Heck, I wouldn't even look at anyone below the neck, fearing false accusation of natural ogling, so I might not know about a pregnancy until well into the seventh month of gestation.

I think my desire to avoid any chatter probably hurt my effectiveness as a manager. But I just didn't want to receive personal information about others. I felt it was an invasion of the subject's privacy. And I wanted to set an ethical standard for the staff.

But, here you are.
You have received a written invitation to a meeting whose explicit agenda is "gossip."

We all use the word — "gossip" — so broadly that the email message doesn't really qualify the significance and relevance of the conversation to follow. It could be, for example, a conversation about an employee who gossips too much!

I'd open the conversation with a four-question test. Perhaps these questions could be put on a wall in your conference room:

Is Our Speech Ethical?
1. Is the content of the next conversation factual and accurate?
2. Is it necessary that it be discussed by everyone in the room?
3. Is it kind to hold this conversation?
4. Will the conversation add to the shareholder value of the company?

Any negative answer can get you out of that room.

If all answers are positive, go ahead and talk. If the questions raise one or two negatives, perhaps the conversation must still occur. But if the test demonstrates to everyone that this is just a discussion of someone's poor taste in shoes or lovers, we might just agree to not discuss it.

Let me know what happens. Or not.

Let's all remember: ethics aren't natural. They're learned. If you want to have me come in and train your staff on the ethics of speech, I am available for a ethically reasonable fee.

Thanks,

— Artie

Stealing Home

Back to the mailbag.

Uh, Artie,

As a newly single twenty-something, I had my first rite-of-passage blind date experience last night. We were set up by mutual friends, met for drinks and dinner, and proceeded to bludgeon our way through forced conversation for about 45 minutes. After recognizing that we couldn't possibly be more ill-fit (he's voting for McCain after all), we wound up splitting the check and laughing off our failed attempt to find a soulmate via matchmaking.

He walked me to my car, and just as I was about to thank him for being so honest, he said, "Well, we don't have to make the night a total loss. Would you like to come back to my house and have sex?"

How's that for honesty?

My question is this, Artie: When did sex become a recreational sport among my generation? Am I missing something?!? I thought physical intimacy was reserved for only the people we fall in love with, and even then, only the people who can take dear care of our hearts and bodies? I was in a relationship for almost four years, so I know I'm out of the loop, but come on! Is there another Eyes Wide Shut movie out that I am unaware of? Geez. So much for romance.

"Democrat With Standards"

Dear "DWS,"

I've been wondering. Is there a blogger out there who closes every post with this humble proposition: "So that my blog isn't a complete loss, would you like to come to my house and have sex?"

Or a grocery clerk, saying, "Hey, sorry the avocados aren't ripe. Perhaps we can go to your car and have sex?"

"Perhaps we might have sex." is the new "Have a nice day." ("Have a good one!" takes on a whole new meaning.)

You Don't Ask, You Don't Get
I know there are issues with cheap sex (immoralty, disease control, unwanted pregnancy), but — I must admit — I appreciate the chutzpah of those who can ask the question with a straight face.

I can remember — back when I was in the market for premarital sex (cheap or otherwise) — how I feared raising the question even after several evenings of mutual deep sharing and the heartfelt laughter of true soulmates.

I was afraid of being rudely presumptuous. I preferred to wait for the question to be asked of me — and that hesitation, as you might well expect, considerably reduced my RBIs.

So, when I hear of someone popping the question outlandishly, I'm somewhat struck with admiration.

But This Is About You.
And you asked, "When did sex become a recreational sport?"

Sex has always been recreational. That's an English major's perspective.

When we think of "recreational," we think of "re-creational." As in: a renewed act of creation.

Popular media want us to think of sex as naughty, naughty, but making humans is surely a central purpose.

So, your Republican blind date offered you — a Democrat, no less — an impersonal re-enactment of the act of creation. Sex is Creation. (A teacher of mine says sex is the sound of God laughing, because He's really into creation.)

In other words, your Republican was offering you the home version of Big Bang, in the form of a bi-partisan reach across the aisle.

But you didn't come here for theology. (And I have a reader who is already, by now, typing a note to me to please quit writing about such issues.)

So what about this...

What Are The Odds You Might Have Said, "Uh, OK, sure. Let's go!"
After all, you might have said, "Uh, OK, sure. Let's go!"

And, if you had, you would have found yourself in bed with a Republican, engaged in the act of potentially creating an Independent voter or some third party supporter.

Instead, you went home and wrote me a letter. I'm glad, I guess, to play my part in the role of your temporary celibacy.

But what were the odds — from his point of view — of any female Democrat replying, "Uh, OK, sure. Let's go!"? I mean, he must think himself reasonably handsome. And the wine at dinner might had led the female Democrat to a certain thoughtless playfulness. And perhaps the female Democrat might have a momentary, sudden, strong carnal yearning.

And perhaps the female Democrat might want to try swaying his politics in bed.

He was playing some long odds. But you might have said, "Uh, OK, sure. Let's go!"

Remember: we live in a world that is so ill educated that millions of Ohioans buy lottery tickets.

What are the odds? One in a million? Probably better than that. One in a hundred? I think better than that. Maybe one in 25 Democrat women would say, "Oh, OK, sure. Let's go!"

Since one third of American married people cheat on their spouses, I have to think that at least one in five unmarrieds would substitute casual, meaningless sex for an awkward kiss on the cheek after a failed blind date. (This still places your integrity in the top quintile.)

So, if it is one-in-five, he's bound to hit the spot in any month of Saturdays nights. And, frankly, what did he have to lose? You could have slapped him. But I bet you just laughed. And off he went, searching for a romantic Republican.

But This Isn't About Him. It's About You.
Isn't the real question: "Dang. If I choose the high road, will I live to regret it? Will I ever be sorry that I didn't accept a few quick romps?"

I know that — in my experience, or lack thereof — I can think of several opportunities that I should have embraced. Of course, those embraces might have created complexities — intra-office challenges, potential disease or unwanted pregnancy — and I'm glad I missed those.

But do know of happy, well adjusted people who lived through their early adult years in a perpetual extracurricular orgy. And I admit to a little lingering envy.

For Issues Of Intimacy, We Turn To Experts.
Coming to me was apparently a wrong turn.

I'd turn to Warren Buffett, the Oracle of Omaha, the greatest investor in the history of the world.

This week, Mr. Buffett said that he likes to have cash on hand so that he can, oh, put $5 billion into Goldman Sachs when he wants to. "But holding cash," he said, "is like saving sex for old age."

No sense in that.

So, In The End, I Firmly Believe In The Following Two Answers.
I hope you can handle inconsistency. Here comes some:

1. As a parent of a daughter, I'd say, "You were right. Loose sex is trouble. Walk away. There is no such thing as a once in a lifetime opportunity."
2. As a middle-aged long-married fellow, I'd say, "Go for it. Use protection from disease and pregnancy. But go ahead. Find out if the Republican parties."

Frankly, as I read those two answers, I don't like the second one. It's clearly the stupider one.

But Wait. Here's A Third Answer.
Trust your radar. If you think (or feel) you should walk away from a proposition, walk away.

I think you said it best, 30 paragraphs ago: 

"I thought physical intimacy was reserved for only the people we fall in love with, and even then, only the people who can take dear care of our hearts and bodies?"

Beautifully written. (And it might work if you whisper it to an English major.)

Otherwise, if you live by the "dear care" philosophy, the worst you might suffer is wondering — in middle age — what a few foregone opportunities might have produced.

As I Wander Into The High Holy Days...
Though this comes from my tradition's prayerbook, here are some universal values. They are put in the form of asking forgiveness:

...For our failures of love...we ask forgiveness:
For confusing love with lust
and for pursuing fleeting pleasure at the cost of lasting hurt.
For using others as a means to gratify our desires,
and as stepping-stones to further our ambitions.
For withholding love to control those we claim to love,
and shunting aside those whose youth or age disturbs us.
For hiding from others behind an armor of mistrust,
and for the cynicism which leads us to mistrust the reality of unselfish love.

Imagine. We read this aloud in a large community. It stirs the imagination.

And I don't think anyone has the chutzpah to say, "No sense in Rosh Hashanah services being a complete waste. Want to let my spread my lox on your bagels?"